Monday, 30 April 2007

Four Wheel Frenzy

Me at the driving school inUdhampur..I was pretty good then. (Who isn't in a friggin parkin lot?)
I'm learning how to drive. A car. And isn't friggin easy! I've been dying to learn how to drive and my wish was granted in the form of the Maruti Driving School. After seventy four thousand theory classes, half of which i slept through,(6:30 in the friggin morning) I finally got behind the wheel. The first class was just a breeze. I was driving on a smooth road in a figure of eight. Downshifting, steering and clutching like a friggin pro. The inspector was pleased, i was pleased....evbuddy was happy....sigh...those were the days!

The second class was with another instructor. I managed to amuse him with a few of my witty jokes and comments (Yes, i have some) and I'd like to think that because of my witticism I was instructed to drive on the roads. (albeit, it was at 6 40 in the morning) He was directing me and telling me what to do and it kinda got irritating after a certain point. I wanted ta rev the engine and zip around turns on two wheels and everything else fun! (In a Wagon R) He told me to stick to second gear for now. (Between 15 and 20 kmph. Might as well have ridden a horse) Then comes the part where i completely lose what he's saying.

"Aaalweiys stei to tha left bhut dhon't phorget to steer to left or riet when you see a pathhole."

Eh?? I froze for a second...pathhole? whazzat? Sounded like something outta Alison in Wonderland.Was this man some kind of follower or something? Mebbe i reminded him of Alison. I suddenly pictured myself jumping down a path/rabbithole and laughed out loud. He stared at me for a few seconds and decided that i was enjoying fourth gear too much. "Brake it. Brake it" he said insistently,"Second, second now" and we returned to 2 kmph.

The third tutorial was with the same man and he didn't seem too pleased with me(who can not be pleased with me??) so i repaid him by sniggering everytime he said 'pathhole' which btw stands for pot-hole. He got the last laugh. As we approached the driving school he suddenly decided (sneaky devil) that it was time i learnt how to take a u-turn. I dreaded the moment. Anyway he made me go into first and slow down to a snail's pace near the u-turn. I was just preparing to turn when a car (A reva) coming from the opposite direction also decided to take a u-turn, and ass that he was, wanted to make the turn before me. I, of course didn't know that at the time and began to make the turn. I saw him turning as well and I froze like a hunka meat in the freezer. The intsructor noticed and said "Clutch and Brake!" I screamed and clutched and accelerated. Thank God for the clutch and brake on his side. The Reva made a hasty exit with a sneaky suspicion that he had just narrowly missed a collision. When i had regained my breath and made sure my heart rate wasn't irregular anymore i made the turn and slunk back home with my tail between my legs. I hate cars...for now.

Small doofus mistake made by author and pointed out by Kristofer the Korrector. It isn't Alison in Wonderland. Its Alice. Yes, i make mistakes too. :P Thank you Kris! :)

Saturday, 21 April 2007

The Two Toms

I'm officially in love! With two Toms....Tom Holt and Tom Sharpe. Sigh...their books are just fabulous! Recently hooked I've become a devout follower(If you see anybody running down Brigades screaming "I love you Toms!" its probably me) and cannot put their books down! I bought three the other day (much to Birdie's disdain) and skipped the entire way home (A bit difficult considering I was on a two wheeler) I haven't been this obssessed since that small affair with Matthew Reilley....or Gone With The Wind (sigh..but the sequel is like any other crappy sequel) and who can forget the amazing Terry Pratchitt...I think i've had enough of blogging for now...i have to read my books today!! Today Today!! c ya..

Sunday, 15 April 2007

Feng Hoo?

I'm such a collector! I know very well thats just a polite way of saying 'Hoarder of Junk'. I have the new, the old, the nostalgic, the forgotten, the misplaced-all memorablia hidden away-piling up from my 18 years on Earth. They're in some way important to me. They may seem utterly useless but they have one purpose in my life. To remind me of the good times. I know you may say that the brain is better than any memory box (Junk box) you'll ever keep-with its endless space and cognitive func.....blah blah blah blah. But I need my memory to be gently nudged to a dusty old corner of the archives in my brain that it hasn't been to in a while. It makes me feel-without sounding too cliche-warm inside. (Whoever came up with that phrase is feelin it if you get my drift.)
I don't care what Feng Shui says. I like my 'junk'(Do not confuse with dirty BEP song...yuck) Its pulled me through dark days and I will pull it through my life till i decide that leaving it behind is imperative, even if that means accumulating enough junk to fill the Bay of Bengal till the time comes to part with it. Here ends my little thought. Ciao munchkins!

Wells dry up for heaven's sake

"Sharanya! Hey write me a poem yaar! Here's the pen and paper and everything!"
I stared at the human who had dared disturb my silent appraisal of the sky. I became completely transfixed, noticing flaws that weren't there before.
I looked at her and then the pen and the measly scrap of paper in her hand that she erringly had referred to as 'everything'. She looked a little like a lost puppy dog-forlorn and hopeful at the same time.
"What?" I managed to mutter.
"I heard from ***** that you write poetry! C'mon man!"
Apparently she was gender confused as well.
I held my breath to avoid making her the subject of an outburst she probably didn't deserve. I stayed still hoping that if i did she would stop seeing me. It jus barely managed to work-the first i mean-not the second.
She was still looking at me(It occurred to me that she could be looking through me but I'd resigned myself to my fate a second later). I wondered if she had blinked, or even moved in the last five minutes. I decided that she hadn't. I tussled with two unequally appealing options-telling her to buzz off and never bother me with creative requests again or write her a poem and be done with it. She was still looking at me.
When she looked like she would collapse from exhaustion I took the stationery from her shivering hands, grumbling silently, with a half smile on my face. I stared at it for a while. Nice time for my 'endless well of creativity' to dry up. I was tempted to tell her that my three year old cousin would be a better bet right now.
I finally put pen to paper and was silently congratulating myself when she chirped somewhere near my left cochlea-"What'reyouwriting?"
Refraining to state the obvious I looked at her for a minute then looked down. Damn-the pen had lifted-I'd have to start all over again.
Needless to say-or is it?- I survived. I did manage to write her a poem-the work I'm most ashamed of to date. She seemed quite pleased(It had her name in it) and it made me a better person, at least in her eyes. Alls well that ends well! Ciao for now! I have things to do-write bad poetry for one.

It Wasn’t My Fault (Another Long Overdue Post)

This so deserves an entry of its own! (plus I want my blog to have more entries)
So I’m with my friends in this place called Java Green (Horrendous, yucky place!) and we decide to have a cup of coffee (mistake of a lifetime). What I ordered turned out to be a cup of diluted mud. The seats were uncomfortable and to quote Meredith Grey-“I had a feeling.” I ridiculed the coffee (Oh boy, was I gonna pay for that) with Munch and gave up trying to drink it.
Osh’s phone decided to ring. Her ring tone is a baby laughing. Those of you, who are saying “Awwww” or some equivalent, stop yourselves. It is, in one word, CREEPY! No, I don’t hate babies. And no I did not have a difficult childhood. (Not all that difficult anyway) But the ring tone makes a shiver run up your spine.

Anyway, it began to ring, and Good Samaritan that I am; I reached over and passed Osh her bag. And it was then that my hands acquired a mind of their own. (I suspect they were co-conspirators with the coffee. Investigations are on-going so I can’t say much) On the way back they spilled the entire cup of coffee on my unsuspecting lap. I was shell-shocked for a minute. Couldn’t move, couldn’t think and certainly couldn’t get up and shake, no pour, the coffee off. (Did I mention the entire cup of coffee fell on my lap?) I finally got up, and the coffee flowed off my lap like miniature Niagara Falls, managing to make a mess of myself and the nice hardwood floors of the coffee shop. (Yous should have seen the look on the face of the employees. I don’t care. I hate that place with a vengeance now.) And then I just stood there, recapping the incident in my mind’s eye. It was something like this;

3:05:39 Entered godforsaken shop

3:10:14 Ordered cup of diluted mud

3:12:20 Gave up trying to drink coffee

3:12:46 Ridiculed diluted mud

3:13:05 Attack of the Horrendous Vengeful Coffee

My friends finally managed to drag me away from the dastardly place to a nearby restroom. (My jeans looked like I had peed in them). What happened inside is even funnier. (For you anyway)
I took about a ton of tissue and wet it then vigorously rubbed the affected area. (My jeans looked like I had peed in them!) I just made a huger mess of it. In the end, I had to remove my jeans and hand it to Osh and Munch. Then I skulked behind one of the toilet doors, half naked, as they patiently dried it in front of the malfunctioning hand dryer. Try n beat that! Ha! *clasps hands together and shakes them first over left and then right shoulder*

Vishu a Happy Vishu (Corny, I know)

I was reading a column about the seasons and how to recognize their onset. It made me aware of the respect I have for all things natural. I know I may sound like any old fanatic, crazed, all organic, tree hugger but I’m not. I like the good things in life (boy are there a lot of them!) Let me mention that the ‘good things in life’ are either immoral, illegal, fattening or against nature.

Anyway, theres something that can turn me into a tree hugger-a perfect morning. A perfect morning is when you get up and you’re wide awake. No sleepy, lethargic Shar, stumbling around half asleep and cursing all chirpy things within sight or hearing. You’re wide awake and guess what? The weathers perfect-just the right amount of chill factor with a light breeze to carry it forward every now and then. All this after a horrendous two months of sweating like you’re in a perpetual sauna. The cool air hits your face and you don’t shiver. You don’t reach for a wrap. You just let it caress your cheek and it cruelly leaves you hungering for more. I was magnetically drawn towards the window where I stood stock-still, just enjoying the weather until my grandmother got worried at my sudden immobility. There was a light feeling of anticipation as I opened the door, slowly, lest any sudden movements should scare it away. It crept into the house and I sighed. Perfect mornings! They’re the best! Oh and by the way Happy Vishu! Here’s hoping the New Year brings more crap to deal with and more worries to obsess about!!
(If you hope for the worst you’ll never be let down)

A New Day, A New Friend (A long overdue post)

Guess who's my bestest friend in the whole world......EMBARRASSMENT!
Today was a particularly good day for me n him. (Forgive me but Embarrassment can be nothing but a guy)
So anyway, I have this habit of climbing up the stairs as though I'm being chased by the devil himself. Going down isn't too different either. I also have the habit of scoffing at my grandmom when she tells me to be careful. "I'm untouchable!" i say with a supercilious smile and an irritating wink before I bumble up/down the stairs.
Now this morning I was moping up the stairs, utterly sleepy and cursing the world in general and then it happened. I tripped...on the very last step... my little toe did it! (That darned thing-its given me enough trouble as it is). I was sprawled on the floor near the stairs (I contemplated just going to sleep right there) and my grandmom appeared outta nowhere! (She does that sometimes. I think its an ability all adults have...especially at the wrong time). I got up all too quickly and decided to pretend i meant to fall flat on my face -just to entertain her. (It was seven in the morning, i was sleepy-it was the best i could come up with) She looked doubtfully at me and then at the spot i had been prostrate on a few seconds ago. I put my arm around her affectionately and guided her, firmly, away from the incriminating evidence (I think i saw a little bit of blood besides the fact that my little toe hurt like a *****) and towards the dining room while trying not to limp.
I decided that even though the day had begun badly i would, as people say, ‘take it in my stride’. (Remind me to kill the know-it-alls)
So despite all this I was in a good mood as I left the house-all happy and expectant. I was going for a movie with my friends-The Ghost Rider. *makes pukey face* (Don't even think about watching it!)
On my way to the theatre (I drive a 67 cc Kinetic Zing-don't you dare laugh) I was, of course, slowed by three traffic lights. At the last one, while i was waiting with my engine turned off, i felt my right thigh vibrate. I had recieved a message on my cell! I looked at the traffic light-then at my jeans-wondering if i should leave the message for later. But the little red devil on my right shoulder took over and i took my phone out and quickly punched away at the keypad. I was pulled out of my activity when I saw that I had three seconds before the light turned green! I abandoned typing at my cell and attempted to shove it back into my pocket while starting my bike…ahem…two-wheeler. I failed. By this time the traffic behind me was about a minute away from getting off or out of their respective vehicles and smashing the living daylights out of me! To add to the mess, my cell fell out of my shivering hand. It was ugly. But I made it past the traffic light without a scratch on me! (You should be saying something like “Good on you mate!” preferably in an Aussie accent)

Here's to still being alive! Cheers!

Saturday, 14 April 2007

Impedimentia and the Innevitibilitia

Hello my lovely fellow humans!
By now you must know or might have guessed that i'm in an aceptably good mood. Thank god for small mercies! For the past three weeks (!) i have been trying in vain to sign into my account at blogger to add to the meager amount of posts here. It has been a very irritating endeavour! My own computer's screen is, in one word, screwed! So i have to resort to going downstairs for my internet needs. It seems that the downstairs computer aka DC knows how important this blog is to me so it refuses to let me sign in. It laughs in my face as I wait patiently for the page to load. I tried various sneaky and underhanded tactics but nothing, i say, NOTHING would work! After the first forty attempts i gave up my dream of maintaining a blog and cried in a corner for a bit, resigned to the fact that the entries i had so carefully typed up on the computer would go to waste (All that creativity!!!) But it seems i have found a way to skip dealing with misbehaving computers and monitors-my cousin's laptop!! I'm typing away with uncontained glee! I hope this gets posted else i think my head would be devoid of any hair-now or ever. But then-whatever happens, happens for a reason.
I'm going to divulge a bit from the topic of my worries and state that I think this particular saying is especially meant for the lazy man. It immensely irritates me to think that there are some people in the world who would give up easily, would attribute major events in their lives to something that would have happened whether they liked it or not. NO! Things happen as a result of actions-ours or even someone we don't know. I think its lazy and cynical to think that bad things are meant to happen. Yes, they're likely to happen but not meant to! The forces of the universe do not decide what will happen when-i think they're as unaware as we are of the future! Things are made up as we go along-consequences of our actions. Not some unseen force-karma-sheesh! I believe in the power of humans and their actions. So sue me.